


He Says He Loves Me, But....

by mockingjaybee



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy
Genre: Abuse, Body Dysphoria, Eating Disorder, Emotional Abuse, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, oh why parick, pete is an asshole, soony moore isn't a douche here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 08:32:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4780721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mockingjaybee/pseuds/mockingjaybee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was my fault; really, he just wanted me to be his perfect Patrick, and I really did understand that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Says He Loves Me, But....

**Author's Note:**

> For the **PXP Ficathon**. Written for, [](http://zerothelost.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://zerothelost.livejournal.com/)**zerothelost**.  
>  **Prompts used** \- __  
> Prompt # 1: Pete being disgusted by Patrick's body  
>  Prompt # 2: Patrick doubting himself.  
> this was beta-ed when it was posted originally in 2006, but I'm having to go through it again to fix things, so all mistakes are mine.

I can almost pinpoint when I noticed Pete's change. It was back in January, and he said only the smallest thing to me, about my weight. To some one that isn't as well, insecure as me, it wouldn't have meant a thing, but to me, it was _everything_.

"You sure you want those cookies baby? Maybe, you should just have an apple, or something, if you want something sweet."

Pete didn't even sound like himself when he said it. It almost sounded like it pained him to say anything, but I knew him. He only likes the best. And look at me. I'm so not. Sure, I'm smart, I can be pretty funny at times, and I'm not bad looking or anything. But I had gained weight when we got off tour the fall before, and was too lazy to start losing it.

Of course I made jokes about it. I mean, I've always been leaning on the chubby side, and I was short, and _fuck_ I'm going bald. But when he said that, I knew he was disappointed in me. Which only made me feel worse, but I still ate the cookies.

That night we didn't make love.

But maybe, that's not even the point. I was already depressed with myself as is, and it had nothing to do with my weight at the time. It was about how Pete would "joke" about me and him being together, and then he would talk about Jeanae all the time. I'm pretty sure he cheated on me with her, and by pretty sure, I saw them fucking, but we never discussed it. I guess that just comes with the whole Peter Wentz Package. He does cheat, and I already knew this.

I never cheated on him. Anna was just my best friend, and as people think whatever they want to think, we were assumed to be a couple. I didn't say anything against the idea, because Pete asked me to. He didn't want to get blacklisted for being _mostly_ gay.

But I should have so known better. He just didn't want people to know he was in love with me, not just a boy, but with me. A chubby, balding one. Yes, I keep saying it is about how I look, not who I am. Because I know Pete loves my mind, and my soul. But people don't ever get everything they want, do they?

All right, so maybe I did settle by dating Pete. But at first, he was so sweet, so amazing. So…everything. When he would undress me, he would say how much he loved touching my amazing body, and how my thighs just killed him.

And I fell for it; it wasn't even funny. Yes, I was young, and should have seen the warning signs, but wow. Would you turn down Pete Wentz? No, I didn't think so.

Ok, so now that you have had the smallest bit of back-story ever, let me get to what I was saying.

It was that phrase, thing, whatever, that made me just basically die inside. It was how he started acting _after_ he said it that made me change myself. I'd like to think it was in a good way, but I know better.

Like when he started doing my grocery shopping for me. Instead of the junk food I would buy, (not like, a ton of it, just some chips and cookies) he bought me healthy things. Like apple chips, and granola bars that had less fat and sugar. The first time he did my shopping, I thought it was so sweet and nice of him, but I did notice what he bought, and I asked him why didn't he get the things I liked. He said, that he just wanted some more healthy things around the house, sorry that he forgot, he'll get them later, or tomorrow, maybe.

He never did. Which made me eat everything he bought in a day- give or take a few hours.

So Pete went back out the next day and bought more food, some of them were things he knew I was allergic too, or I just didn't like. Like strawberries. He knew I hated them, and that was the only almost sweet thing he bought that time around.

I took the hint.

When we went out, he would order my food for me, and made sure what the calories and fats in it were. I tried to keep my cool, I really did, but I freaked out at him when he said we didn't need to look at the desserts, thanks, just the check. I really wanted the soy chocolate cake too.

Of course he just laughed it off, and said something about me being sweet enough already, that I didn't need anymore. So when he fell asleep that night, (we didn't have sex then either, we hadn't for two weeks by then) I snuck down to the living room, and opened up my Junk Food Box. I ate everything in the box. Tons of soy cookies, chips and salsa, and soda.

After eating everything in the box, I felt sick. Not like, wow, I just ate too much sick, because I finally felt full, but more like I just made myself gain ten more pounds and I hate myself for it, kind of sick.

I stayed downstairs and slept on the couch that night after I got rid of all the packages of food and stuff. I woke up with my pillow being wet because I had been crying in my sleep. Pete didn't seem to notice, or if he did, he didn't say anything.

Which made me feel worse.

This went on for a while, say, two months. He would say or do something, and then I would binge and cry. I didn't do anything else about it; I just ate all my problems down. Which in turn made me gain even more weight. Which made him say more things.

When he bought me clothes in a smaller size, I knew I had to do something. This was about a week into the new tour, and I was freaking out the whole time. Pete would act like everything was fine with us around our friends, but when we were alone, he wouldn't look at me when we spoke, and wouldn't have sex with me. Just flat out refused. Well, there was this one time, but it wasn't like how we normally do it, so I don't think it counts. He had me on all fours, and I hate being like that. It makes me feel dirty, used, and he knows it. Mostly, it's because it makes me feel like a whore.

That night I knew he was going to leave me, if I couldn't lose the weight. He had been talking to Jeanae again, and even talking to fucking Alicia, (it hadn't entered my brain that she was with Mikey now...) as well, so I knew I was in trouble. As much as I knew he was in the wrong here, and he should love me for me, I couldn't help it.

So I just stopped eating. And people did notice; just not Pete. He seemed ok with all of it.

At first, Andy seemed worried, but then I started making myself eat like, toast or something, and he left me alone. I know he was just trying to be a good friend, but still, it was none of his business.

I started taking diet pills as well, which really fucked me up. As I wasn't eating, and only drinking water, I just, well, couldn't handle them. I couldn't sing, I was freaking out over little things. But Pete didn't care. In fact, he bought me different ones that he said, "should work better, don't worry babe, I still love you."

This went on for about half the tour. When I started losing weight, Peter would hold my hand again, and we would make love. He would treat me like he did when we first got together. I didn't complain. I loved that he was touching me again, telling me how much he loved me, and how close to perfect I was.

That made me start throwing up what I did eat. I didn't want to be close to perfect, I wanted it all.

Frankly, I wasn't very subtle about it. Tyson of AAR asked one day if I was sick or something, cause he heard me puking all day, and said it would hurt my vocal chords, and I should try to take care of myself, because I did sing for a living after all.

That didn't bother me. It was when Sonny sat me down and flat out said, "Listen, dude, everyone knows, ok? He isn't worth you doing this to yourself, so stop, before it gets worse."

I had wracked my brain for what to say to him. It was known that Sonny had eating problems before, and still did from time to time, so yeah, I should listen to him. But I couldn't, all I could say back was, "It gets worse?"

**Author's Note:**

> again, wrote this in sept of 2006, and posting it here now. when i posted this originally, it caused a small uproar and a tiny bit of wank, but the more I read pxp now, the more common of a theme this is. this was hard to write, but I love this fic, and a spent so much time on it, and I spent even more time leaning on close friends and whining to them and clinging to them for support so, I hope you all enjoy it as well.


End file.
